Butterflies

When I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder, I had just buried my first husband the year before, moved to Dallas, TX without my 2 year old daughter, and my overall appearance was that of an extensive drug user. (I was only smoking marijuana.) Mania can change who you are as a person dramatically. It affects so much more than just your behavior or appearance. The battle that was raging inside my head was deafening at times and God awful scary. I didn't think I would make it out of the hospital alive; not because of what I did but what was warring away in my head. Helplessness is a real emotion when dealing with bipolar mania. Being honest about your helplessness is key to getting better. You need to be honest with yourself and especially your healthcare providers. If you get anything out of reading this, it's to always be truthful with the people who are helping you through whatever is going on. No matter how absurd it sounds. Doctors and nurses are trained to deal with anything you may see or hear. No matter if it is real or not. I know when I've been manic some of the ideas popping up in my head have been completely crazy and unheard of. I still shared my thoughts with those around me. Examples of what I seen and heard. Television shows were directly telling me what my next move should be. Newshows had investigations that I thought were affecting me, my life, and my family. Counselors repeatedly tried explaining to me that it wasn't rational to think this way. I can't imagine the heartache my family went through knowing I was not in my right mind but in my mind I was RIGHT. I wasn't the problem, they were. I get emotional thinking about how much easier it would've been for my family to give up on me, especially my dad. I will save that story for another post. Bipolar disorder can be very ugly and take you to a very deep, dark place in your life. But thank God it doesn't always have to be this way. I have one tattoo and it is of a butterfly. Butterflies symbolize new life. Of course the caterpillar has to put itself into a tight, dark cacoon in order to transform into a beautiful butterfly. Be patient with those around you, this disorder is just as scary for people who love you. Take your medication, if it is the correct regime for you, IT WILL WORK. In conclusion, I find the words of Paul in Romans 8:18 very comforting. "I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us." Paul went through some pretty rough times in his walk with the Lord yet he always kept his eyes on God and His glory forever.